How To Annoy The Cullens
by Luannie
Summary: Started off being just the Cullens, now, you can read 10 ways to annoy pretty much any Twilight Character, please review with suggestions or characters you would like me to write about. All humor is not intended to be offensive, just amusing.
1. How To Annoy Rosalie Hale

How To Annoy Rosalie Hale.

For her birthday, buy her a Mothercare gift voucher.

Tell her that Emmett has a picture of Bella tattooed on his back.

Buy her a puppy and name it Jacob

Give her a job test, and tell her that he results mean that her ideal job is a stay-at-home mum.

Give her a flyer for a makeover.

Give her a tub of foundation and whisper 'no need to thanks me'

Whenever you walk past her whisper loudly 'plastic surgery or what?'

Go around telling everyone that she cheats on Emmett with a dog

Wave your baby in her face.

Tell her that she is ugly (this one is most effective)

**Hahaha. How to annoy Emmett is next.**

**Please review and tell me any that you know (how to annoys)**

**Love Ro x**


	2. How To Annoy Emmett Cullen

How to annoy Emmett Cullen...

Ask him if he is on steroids

Tell him that he should fix his girlfriend's car. not the other way around.

Ask him who wears the pants in his relationship

Tell him he is getting chubby

Change his ringtone to the carebears theme tune

Cover his jeep in honey and tell him "But I though teddy bears liked honey?"

Tell him he has no cool superpowers

Ask if he has muscle implants

Tell him he needs to get into 'shape'

Whenever he passes you sing 'Im easy like sunday morning'.

-(think about no.10 very carefully... it will come to you)

**Next is Edward – and trust me that one is funny.**

**Please Review**

**Lovey dovey Ro xx**


	3. How To Annoy Edward Cullen

How to annoy Edward Cullen...

The classic how to annoy Eddy – buy him a dog, and call it Jake.

When you walk past him sing Madonna's 'like a virgin'.

When you pass him, say loudly to your friends "guess what I did with him last night?"

Buy Bella some motorbike accessories for he birthday and wrap them up in silver paper.. make him watch her open them.

Tell him that Carlisle has been bitching about his virtue with Esme.

Smash his piano.

Picture Jacob naked whenever you pass him.

Tape pictures of Rosalie all over his room.

Make sure Bella sees them.

Ask him why he watches people years younger than him sleep, like a pervert would.

Hehehe!! Im laughing at number 2!! and number 10.

Any more how to annoy eddy? tell me in review, and say which one you found funniest.

Lubb RoRo xx


	4. How To Annoy Alice Cullen

How To Annoy Alice Cullen!

Get Jake to follow her around all day without her knowing, so she'll think that her visions aren't working.

Wear a sack to school, and walk around modelling it.

Tell her that there is a mega sale on High Fashion shoes.. in La Push.

Ask her about her childhood.

Tell her that you think its horrible that she abuses Jasper.

When she questions you say 'well how did he get all of those Alice's teeth shaped scars?'

When you walk past her sing BUSTED's 'Psycho Girl'. *

When she talks, turn to Edward and say, 'what is that squeaking sound?'

Keep asking her to predict the weather at First Beach for you.

The no1 way to annoy Alice is... BURN HER CLOTHES!!! MWAHAHA!!

**Lolsie and **

*** If you dont know the song.. type "Busted – Psycho Girl" Into youtube, its like the song is about Alice!!**

**Please review and read my Cullen New Moon Fanfic called "If Only I could" If you like this, you'll love that!!**

**Love Ro xxx**


	5. How To Annoy Jasper Hale

How To Annoy Jasper Whitlock...

Ask him why he performs self harm

When he questions you, point to the scars all over him.

Tell him that Alice thinks Emmett is better at baseball than him.

Tell him he needs anger management.

Tell him that he should get emotional help.

When he goes to anger management, make sure the counsellor gives herself a paper cut.

Splatter red paint all over his and Alice's room and videotape his reaction.

Dress up in a cape and fangs and leap out in front of him when he is least expecting it, proclaiming you have come to suck his blood.

Decorate his army uniform in glitter and say it was Alice.

Whenever he tells you something say - "Sir Yes Sir" and salute him army style.

**Please review.. and read my new chapter of If only I could (jasper new moon fanfic)**

**Hope you liked!!**

**Love Roselle :D**


	6. How To Annoy Bella Swan

How To Annoy Bella Swan..

(Thanks to twird96 for this one) Tell Bella that Edward ate her new cat.

Tell her that Jake's gone of with Leah and edward's dating rosalie.

Tell her that Emmett has her face tattooed on his..... back. :D

Tell her that Aro wants to marry her.

Tell her James (back from the dead lol) wants to marry her.

put in red contacts and say "Look what Edward did to me!!"

Buy her two dogs – call one Edward and one called Jacob

Make her choose which one she likes best.

Kill them both.

The number one way to annoy Bella? Follow her around and wrap her in cotton woor while murmuring "Poor fragile little human"

**PLEASE review, and also read my Jasper fanfic called 'If Only I could' Thanks!!! ILY!!**

**X**


	7. How To Annoy Aro of The Volturu

**Ok, so dearest ARO isn't a Cullen – far from it exact, but I though up a really funny one, and had to forget about Esme (she was going to be next) for a while... :D**

How to annoy Aro...

Tell him he has lost custody of Jane and Alec to Carlisle.

Get Esme to renovate the Volturi castle in 'barbie girl' theme.

Dress up as Voldemort and run in saying 'I love you Aro!"

Dress up as Darth Vader and say 'Aro, I am your father'.

Scatter Rose Petals all over his throne.

When he asks you what you did, say "Jane told me to!"

Dye his cloak luminous pink.

Decorate his cloak with smiley face stickers.

Put in plastic fangs and put on a cape. Then go stand in front of him and say " Ooh, big vampire hunter! Have mercy for this poor vampire!"

When Aro tries to touch your arm scream 'Mind Rape!' and then run to Carlisle.

**Hope you likey darling fan-wans! My little darlings, please review, I have taken time out of when I should be writing my history essay to write this for you, so pleeeeaaase review! It is so simple!!!!!**

REVIEW! PLEASE!


	8. How To Annoy Jacob Black

**I have neglected all my 'How to Annoy' reader, yes, I know it. I am most apologetic! Please don't shout at me, but I have drama and singing exams coming up, and with two new fics demanding to be written, I have forgotten my most beloved (yet annoying lol) fanfiction. But I am back and redeeming myself, and if i can I will post another how to annoy tomorrow!**

**Love your erratic and unreliable :( but very sorry writer.**

* * *

**  
**

How to annoy Jacob Black

Make he wear a leash, and tell him "Good Doggy" When he tries to take it off.

Fill his fridge with dog food.

Put flyers around La Push saying 'lost dog' with his face on it.

Make fun of Bella and constantly praise Rosalie.

Ask if Edward dazzles him.

Tell him that Rosalie has a picture of him after he has just phased stashed in her purse.

Sing "Who Let the Dogs out?" whenever he is near.

Get Emmett to sing (very badly) "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?" every night outside his window.

Tell him that him and Leah make a great couple.

Ask him if he is gay with Seth.

:) Enjoy.. hope you laugh.. as usual, please review. xox


	9. How To Annoy Carlisle Cullen

How to annoy Carlisle Cullen

Tell him that you think he should take a leaf out of Edward's book.

Ask him to change your cat into a vampire.

Tell him to adopt Jacob.

When he refuses, tell him it would be _the right thing to do._

Tell him that Emmett wore his doctor's coat last night when he was with Rosalie.

When he screams, tell him he sounds like a little girl..

Ask him how old he is.

When he tells you, buy him some wrinkle cream and say "There there Grandpa"

Ask him what it was like in the stone age.

Write "Senior Citizen driver" on his mercedes.

I Love Carlisle just as much as you do.. its just a joke ok?? :)

Please review!!

Love ya!


	10. How To Annoy Esme Cullen

How to annoy Esme Cullen:

Tell her Rosalie and Emmett did it on her antique table and broke it.

Tell her that Carlisle is much too old for her, and that he is clearly a cradle-snatcher

Run around the house in mud, ruining all her furniture

Start chewing on her hair

When she asks you what you are doing, just say that you wondered if her hair tasted like caramel

Take a hammer and try to smash her precious glass wall

When she chases you, tell her that a real mother wouldn't chase Yours truly,

Ask her why Alice only decorates

Tell her that she's not a real mom because she doesn't bake cookies for you :)

Wipe lipstick and perfume of Carlisle's doctor coat and show it to her, and tell her he's having an affair.

REVIEW PLEASE :)

xox


	11. How To Annoy Leah Clearwater

How to annoy leah clearwater -

ask her if the werewolves call her bro

In front of Sam talk about her and Jacob's 'night patrol' and what they actually did

Say you know why Sam left her- tell her it's because he thought she was secretly a man

push her into Sam and say 'awww aren't you a cute couple?'

Say that sam thinks she is pregnant,

Tell them all the baby is Emmett's :P

Request She Wolf by Shakira on the radio and say "Leah, this is for you."

Pin an I love Jacob badge on her back

Point it out to everyone

For her birthday buy her a mothercare voucher

Ok, so some people made some narked comments about this being mean humor and unkind! Its just a little joke guys.. If you don't like it.. Just don't read it and forget it.

Lots of Love,

Mee x


	12. How To Annoy Jane of The Volturi

How to Annoy Jane of The Volturi

Give her a lollipop and say 'there you go duckie'

Ask her if she has finished primary school yet

Go up to her from behind and say 'aren't you just precious'

When she puts on her cloak, comment how cute it is that she still plays dressing up

Ask her if she has a crush on alec

When she uses her power on you, refer her to anger management.

Make sure the anger management counsellor is Carlisle

Or Edward

Or any other Cullen.

Thanks for reading.

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

I have run out people to write a 'how to annoy' on. Please write and give suggestions via the review system.. If I get no ideas I cant write anymore, so please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	13. How To Annoy Charlie Swan

How to annoy Chief Charlie Swan:

Authors note:

I found this one pretty hard but I think it is quite a laugh! I hope you enjoy and as always, please review and comment and I will always reply and answer any questions!

________________________________________________________________

Tell him Bella's pregnant – but you're having trouble figuring out who the father is… Bella's unsure whether it's Edward, Carlisle, Jacob or Mike.

Decorate his handcuffs with pink lace and flowers the call the station requesting to speak with Chief Swan Princess.

Send him a tape of Edward sneaking into Bella's room at night, and Bella hitting on Edward.

Take his cop car and start a high speed car chase with it.

Tell him the real reason jacob and edward hate each other!

Tell him that he wants his daughter to shack up with a wolf.

Tell him jacob never sold bella's bike and still cries over it.

Admit to him that renee is the better parent.

Give him a wedding invitation for jacob and nessie.

AAAAAAND:

Tell him his son in law was once a mass murderer and stalker!

R E V I E W !


	14. How To Annoy Caius Volturi

How To Annoy Caius Volturi.

- Tell him that jane has a crush on him, and when she calls him 'daddy' she has an ulterior motive.

- Wink and say 'Oh, yeah, I know what your wearing under those robes'

- As him if he considers himself as Aro's Bitch.

- When he protests at the above say 'Well.. I heard Jane pretty clearly, she definitely said Bitch, or maybe it was puppy.."

- Buy him a werewolf plushie (cuddly toy)

- Pretend to make it bite him.

- Pretend to make it wee up against his throne.

- Call it Jacob for him

- Make it hump his leg :)

- Tell Caius that Jane was a witch in her former life who was burnt at the stake, and the spell she put on him was the reason he is so ugly, so he really shouldn't blame himself…

**A/N: My sincerest apologies for my horrific absence. I am so sorry, you can all have a cookie. Aaaaand.. If you review, you get a giant vampire jasper shaped gingerbread man to eat and savour.. **

**So please review :)**

**Lots o love**

**Luannie**


	15. How To Annoy Seth Clearwater

How To Annoy Seth Clearwater:

Tell him how cute you think his crush on Edward is

Ask him if him and leah swapped genders at birth

Tell him he's the cullers pet dog.

For his birthday get him a collar with 'my name is seth' on the back

Write the Cullen's address underneath incase he gets lost

Get one of the werewolves to imagine leah naked all the time

Stick a team Edward poster on his bedroom door, so when the pack sees it.. well..

Ask him to be the surrogate mother for leah and jacob's baby.

Stick a baby on board sign on his car (or tricycle)

**Sorry, for only nine.. This was a hard one, felt a bit bad, I really do have a soft spot for seth, he's such a sweetie :)**

**You get a werewolf hug and a seth and edward hugging shaped cookie if you review!**

**Luannie x**


End file.
